Thoughtless

I looked for words which can travel
farther than my thought
But my efforts were all in vain.
For in the midst of my forgotten search
came the crippling sight of pain.
I shook my head
but my soul went steady
I tried to run
but there it stood
And so this man who once was ready
became a spirit in search of food.

Being Late

Ang time ko dito sa opisina eh nag-start ng 8 am sharp. Pero dumating ako dito eh mga 10:30 na (a.m. naman at nde p.m.). Ito na yata ang pinaka-late na pasok ko. But I have good reasons though... and this time it's not the traffic.

My PC failed me.

Of all things eh ang Pc ko ang huli kong iisipin na bibiguin ko. Nabigo na ako ng maraming tao (lalo n ng mga babae) pero ang Pc ko pa lang ang bagay na hinde ako pinapahiya. Well that was until now.

So, I was expecting to hear the words "you're fired!" Buti na lang at good mood si boss. Credit is also due to me of course. I know the art of being late.

Yes. It's an art.

Ang pagiging late ay isang sining. Isang sining kung saan bihasa ang mga pinoy. Kya nga nauso ung konsepto ng "filipino time" eh. Kyung may olympics ang pagiging late, tiyak na matagal na taung may gold. (Nde ko lang lam kung late pa din tayo sa awarding.)

Try as they may to undestand the Filipino psyche, they can never really understand why we are always late. There is this course called called Filipino Psychology but the same fails to explain why a 10m a.m. meeting, to a Filipino, is equal to wake up time of 9:30 am. (pag minalas malas ka pa 10 am n gigising kausap mo.)

I won't pretend to be a genius here (though I probably am) but I can enumarate several reasons why there is such a thing as "Filipino time", namely:

1. Spanish regime - we were literally made and treated as slaves. Sino ba ang gusto na maaga dumating kung ang trabaho mo naman eh ang pagititipak ng malalaking bato? O kaya nman eh pagpuputol ng mga puno ng narra na ang gamit lang eh nailcutter? Ang masama pa nuon eh walng sahod. Kasama yun sa mga perks ng pgiging kolonya ng espanya. Sa tingin ko, dito na natuto ang mga Filipino na magpa-late. Parang nababasa ko na ang sinsabi ni Juan - "Bakit ako papasok ng maaga eh lalatiguhin lang naman ako dun?!!

2. American Regime (la ako maisip dito eh. pagpasensiyahan nyo na.)

3. Japanese regime - we were brutalized. Sa tingin ko eh dito na ang-start maging late na rin pumasok pati ang mga kababaihan. Siyempre, gugustuhin mo bang pumasok ng maaga kung alam mo naman na pagsasamantalahan ka lang ng mga hapon? Ika nga ni Maria - "Bakit ako papasok ng maaga eh pipilahan lang namn ako ng mgha lekat na hapon na yan?!!!" Kay Juan naman, may nadagdag na naman siyang dahlan - "Bakit ako papasok ng maaga eh tatanggalan lang naman ako ng kuko, at pupugutan ng ulo ng mga lekat na hapon na yan?!!!"

4. Modern Regime. Pareho na si Juan at si Maria ng sinasabi - "Trapik eh."

So,come to think of it, Filipinos are not to be blamed for their tendency to waste the time of others. I think we are the victims here. We are the victims of colonial abuses. It will take some time before we are able to shake off the effects of several hundred years of colonialism.

Go ahead and be late. Our motto should be - "BE LATE COZ YOU'RE A FILIPINO - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT"

Whew! What a realization!

A Conversation with Love

Love came one day, and knocked at my door
She was not familiar to me, because I never saw her before
“What is it that you want”, I rudely asked
She said, “I am here to see you, will you please let me pass?”
Though I was a little bit hesitant, I let her in
Because I did not want to leave her, outside waiting

“Why do you want to see me? Have I done anything wrong?”
Love replied with a smile, and said that she wont stay that long
“I went here because I was told, that you have lost faith in me.”
“I wanted to know if it was true, because you are making me feel guilty.”
I did not know what to tell her, but what she heard was true
So I said “I lost faith Love, since I was left by you.”

Then the words began to pour, as Love stood there and listened
I said, and quite harshly,“Love, I was never your friend.”
“You would come into my life, promising eternity.”
“Only for me to find out later on, that your stay was temporary”
“I gave you my life, in exchange you gave me a broken heart.”
“You have no idea just how much, you tore my life apart”

“You deceived me into believing, that by my side you will stay”
“But you knew from the very beginning, that you will have to go away”
“You left with no explanation, no goodbyes whatsoever.”
“All you said was that you’re sorry, was that supposed to make things better?”
“I never understood why you had, to go far and leave me.”
“And how you can manage to stare, at me and my misery.”

“But despite of the hurt, you never heard me complain.”
“When you came back I embraced you, forgetting all of my pain.”
“Your happiness was my concern, your hurt was my hurt.”
“Yet you treated me far worse, worse than how a man treats a dirt.”
“For the second time you left, refusing to explain why.”
“Leaving me with nothing but tears, tears that wont dry.”

I had so much more to say, so many things on my mind
But suddenly I was lost, words were at that point hard to find
So I stopped and stared at Love, and she stared back at me
I noticed that she was crying, and that made me feel a little guilty
I told her that I was sorry, but that was what I truly feel
She said that it was alright, and that there is nothing wrong with being real.

She said, “I can understand why you are angry, believe me I do.”
“But I think you got it all wrong, the concept of me and you.”
“You see me as a need instead of seeing me as a gift.”
“I am a feeling that is worthless, unless you learn to give it.”
“And by giving you must remember, not to expect something in return.”
“You love to love and for no other purpose, that was how humanity was born”

“You said that I left you, causing you nothing but pain.”
“But once I come into your heart, in there I’ll always remain.”
“You associate with me with the person, that you felt I was in.”
“But that is where you’re mistaken, because I am more than that feeling.”
“ I have been here long before, you learned to gaze at the stars.”
“Even before man used me as a reason, to provoke and start wars.”

“I am Love but I never promised, that I am alone when I come to you.”
“Sometimes I also bring with me pain, and other feelings too.”
“Never think that with my presence, life would be a fairy tale.”
“If you think and desire life to be like that, you are sure to fail.”
“What I promise is this, and please listen carefully.”
“With me life will still have pain, but it will be a wonderful journey.”

“You are lucky because you know me, other people don’t.”
“Others see me as nothing more, than an entertainment of some sort.”
“That’s why they live their lives, not knowing the rapture that I bring.”
“You are one of those few, who have experienced that feeling.”
“Never tire and be patient, because I am just around the corner.”
“One day you will see me and I will see you, and that would mean forever.”

I was speechless with what Love said, and I felt ashamed
She was right and I was wrong, Love is not to be blamed
Before I could even say something, before I could speak
She held my hand and said goodbye, leaving me silent and weak
Now I know a valuable lesson, and this I want to share
To those who think that they have lost love, remember that love is everywhere.

Love lives in your heart, and it exists in your mind
It can feel and is sensitive, though others say it is blind
Patience is the one virtue, that we all have to learn
If we wait and retain our longing, love is sure to return

The Useless Love Letter (Part Two)

dear ___________,

it's raining outside so i feel a little gloomy. but then again, your thought is there to make me smile. so i guess it doesn't matter much to me what the weather is out there. because in my world, your mere existence makes everyday a perfect day. and as the song goes...everyday is a sunny day.

i do not understand why everytime i open my friendster account, the first thing that i do, before reading any new messages or testimonials, is to look at your picture. though i know that you have the same pictures posted, the same set of testimonials, and probably the same profile, i still find it necessary to look at you and read what you have to say about yourself. i stare at your picture though i have stared at it a thousand times before. i have memorized your profile. i have read all the wonderful things that people say about you. if only i had the courage to say what i have to say about you, friendster would probably close its site due to insufficiency of space. quite illogical? i guess so. that is why i am inclined to believe that logic has nothing to do with love. and that the brain is probably the farthest organ from the heart.

daydreaming has been a lifestyle since i met you. i often find myself staring at nothingness, trying to imagine just how wonderful life would be if you were with me. i try to imagine how ecstatic I would be if I could hold your hand. just now, i am thinking that, although it was great movie, spiderman would have been nicer to watch if you were with me.

could it be that you and i have met before? perhaps in the secluded memory of our previous life? i sound silly, i know. but i would choose this wonderful silliness over loneliness any time!

you know what i have learned from you? i have learned so many things but i guess that the one thing that will forever be carved in my soul is the virtue of loving without expecting anything in return. many people can say this but most do not mean it. but with you, i have learned that love need not always be a two-way process. i have realized that i can be happy just by loving you. and that it is not essential for you to love me back. although i would be a hypocrite to say that i do not want you to love me, that is beside the point. what's more important is that your there for me to adore and love. you have satisfied my soul in more ways than you can probably ever imagine. The happiness you brought into my life would last until happiness is nothing more than a term.

God is a great God! He led me to you and made me feel what love really is all about. i do not know what it is that i have done to deserve meeting such a wondeful woman. meeting you was in itself a miracle. i can never thank God enough for that alone.

at night, while the stars are busily courting the moon, i think of you more. the stars remind me so much of your eyes. i do not get to see you that often anymore because we both are busy with what we are doing - you with your work, and me with my review. nevertheless, i can assure that i never cease praying for you. everytime i talk to God, i always mention you. with childish faith, i ask Him to be there for you especially now that you are so fatigued by your work. i never fail to ask God to make you happy. sometimes, I can almost see God smiling at me and telling me that - "You don't need to ask me that." but still……i do. and i always will. the reason why is...well that's between me and God.

I LOVE YOU.

The Useless Love Letter (Part One)

dear nde mo alam kung sino ka,

sa relo ng computer eh 3:30 am na. sa wall clock nman nmin eh 3:15 am p lng. nde ko lam kung alin sa knila ang tma. pero isa lng ang alam kong tama ngayon...tmang senti ako.

syete, maraming nagtatanong kung bkit nde nabibili ang pag-ibig. pwes alam ko kung bkit. matalino kasi ang Diyos. alam nya na kung nbibili ito, wala rin akong pambili. pero alam mo, P120 lng pera ko sa bulsa. at hnda akong ubusin yun lhat kung magbabago pagtingin mo sa kin. pero useless eh. kya pamamasahe ko na lang ito bukas. at least may mararating pa ko.

nde ko alam kung ito ay tama lng ng sobrang pagpupuyat, pero knina pa kita iniisip. actually, antgal ka ng naglalaro sa utak ko. problema lang eh nde ko alam ang rules sa larong ito. kya tuliro ako. andami ko gusto sbihin na nde ko masabi; gawin na nde ko magawa. minsan tlaga may disadvantage din ang pagiging duwag. kung pnong mahina ako sa math eh ganun din ang hina ng loob ko ngayon..lalo na pagdating sa iyo.

ganitong-ganito ang pakiramdaman ko nuon nung nag-aaral pa lang ako mag-sintas ng sapatos - litong-lito. ang dali kasi tingnan kapag iba ang gumagawa. suot mo lng sa isang butas, sa pangalawa, so on and so forth. pero nung ako na yung gumawa. syete! anghirap! ganun din sa'yo. ang daling tingnan ng iba na magsabi ng nararamdaman nila. pero pag ako na, parang nung una kong beses magsintas, kung saan2ng butas ko napapasok ung sintas.

wla akong sense no? tama ka dyan. senseless ako ngayon. ultimo sense of humor ko e malfunctioning. basta ang alam ko lng...mahal kita.mahal kita? parang ang bigat gamitin ng salitang yun eh. pro wala na kong ibang salita na maisip. para sa akin nga, mababaw pa yun. mas malalim siguro tong nararamdaman ko. mas malalim pa sa baha sa espana pag bagyo.

lagi kitang tinitingnan pro nde ako nagpapahalata. wala akong ready answer kung bkit. basta narere2lax ako pag nndyan ka. bihra lng tyo magkita..minsan nga nde pa. pero kada isang segundo nun kinakahon ko. tpos dinadala ko. pag depress ako, buksan ko lng yung khon, ayos na.nde mo ako paniniwalaan alam ko. cguro imposibleng pniwalaan mo na mag-seseryoso ang isang payaso. walang pinagkaiba pag naisipan ni "bobo the clown" na mag-ballet. puno't dulo, pagtatawanan pa rin. sawa na ko pagtawanin eh.

pero alam mo, ikaw lng nagpapahinto sa magulong ikot ng mundo ko. tawa mo lng ang nakakabura sa lhat ng stress ko sa buhay. siguro kung nakikita mo ang sarili mo sa paraan kung pano kita nakikita, nde ka magtataka kung bkit gnito ko ngayon sa'yo.

pag-ibig ko wlang utak! walang utak kasi nde na ko nag-iisip. bihira lang kasi yun. ako yung tipo na tamang analyze plagi. pero nde na pagdating sa'yo. walang puwang ang logic sa akin pag ikaw na ang pinag-uusapan. basta ang alam ko, mahal kita. at alam ko na hindi mo alam yun. at malamng eh hindi mo na malalaman. tma na napapasaya mo ko. tama na nga yun siguro.

knina lang pinakikinggan ko yung kantang himala. natatawa ako. ganun n ganun ang kailangan ko ngayon. pero mukhang malabo. mas malabo pa sa balat ng uling na sunog.salamat ha. salamat at nandiyan ka. sana lagi kng maging masaya. pnalangin ko yun...parati.

nabubuwang,

cidie the pathetic bozo

p.s. malamang eh hindi mo ito babasahin. at kung basahin mo man, malamang hindi mo alam na tungkol sayo to. maraming malamang sa buhay ko ngayon. isa na dun eh malamang n hindi mo ko gusto