If I were a Superhero

Boredom is a great companion. I mean it doesn’t talk much. It hardly ever argues and best of all, it doesn’t have an ego. That is why, while people may find boredom as... err …boring, I actually enjoy every minute that I spend with it.

Now, to digress.

I am feeling so bored so I decided to write this blog which, in my honest opinion, would definitely not win me a Pulitzer. But you see, one of the perks of having nothing to do is precisely you can do whatever you want. So, to quote the referee from UFC - let’s get it on!

Who hasn’t dreamed of becoming a superhero? I mean come on! I’m sure that in one pathetic moment in your life, you daydreamed of flying and doing all those superhero stuffs. On the contrary, if you daydreamed of becoming a villain (either Lex Luthor or Penguin), I think I can assure you that you need to seek professional help.

Me? Well, since most of my life’s moments are pretty much pathetic, I fantasize most of the time. From childhood to the not-so-childhood-stage of my life, I always dreamed of becoming a superhero. I’m sure that there are thousands of us out there, ecstatic with the thought of being able to wear his underwear outside his pants.

A word of caution however.

You see, if the time comes when superheroes become as much a part of the reality tomorrow as sponge bob is a part of the reality today, I think that we need to elevate daydreaming to a new level! We need to stop thinking in the abstract and start focusing on the concrete; from the intangible to the tangible. If you are asking what the hell do I mean??? Let me assure you that I am as confused as you are. (In fact, you can disregard this paragraph and proceed on the next. But I am somehow comforted by the thought that nobody cares much with what I say here so why not say something that is totally absurd?)

If I were a Superhero, I would definitely be the most unique character of them all. My name would not start with the adjective “super”. My powers will not come from too much radiation or a pesky insect bite. And I will originate from Tondo rather than some far away portion of the galaxy where, for all we know, they eat leather shoes for lunch.

No. My character will be different.

As a superhero, my name will be…Cid – as in my plain first name. This is to do away with having to hide my identity. Anyway, why should I? I’m a superhero hello! I could kick the ass of anybody who even attempts to make fun of the way I dress. Also, if people knew who I was, they will probably refrain from selling me insurance and asking me to sign-up for a new credit card deal. I’m convinced that a superhero that attempts to hide his identity is probably gay.
For my superhero costume, I think I will prefer an Armani Suit. In that way, I can easily solve the crime problem here in Tondo. How? Its’ very easy, actually. See, if I were to wear Armani Clothes here in Tondo, I’m certain that I will be flocked, and I mean FLOCKED, by snatchers, robbers, kidnappers, and the like. (Note that I intentionally omitted cops since my father is one.) So, when they try to attack me, I will use my super power (which is really just a 45 caliber gun) to whisk them off to hell. And then they will know that it’s me because the bodies of my arch-enemies will be found floating in Pasig River. People will shout – “Mabuhay ka CID!!!” And of course I will bow.

My superhero powers, aside from the 45 caliber gun, will be a gyroplonectoplasmicchurn. This is a rather complicated instrument. It gets its power from the sun (so it doesn’t work at night), and is made by a race that is, technology wise, a thousand years advanced than us earthlings. It consists of a combination of atoms that are engineered to specifically align when in use. On top of that, it comes with its own rechargeable batteries. I wish I could explain scientifically what it does but you wouldn’t understand. (Remember that you are one thousand years late in the evolution.) But to make it simple, what the gyroplonectoplasmicchurn does is it can make all my credit card debts disappear. And that means that I can avail of all the 0% installment plans that this world has to offer without having to worry about how I’m going to pay for it. Incidentally, if you believe that such installment plans really have a zero percent interest rate, you are as dumb as me.

So it’s simple as that. If I were a superhero, I will gain the trust and confidence of the people because I will eliminate the robbers, snatchers, and thieves of the Philippines. The only problem that I foresee here is that if I decide to rid the Philippines of this menace, we will lose majority of our Congressman, most of our Senators, and most of the members of the Executive Department.

And we will live happily ever after.