To Whom This Will Forever Be Concerned:
I really don’t know why I am writing this letter. In the first place, I do not have any intention of giving this to you. Because chances are, if I do, that would probably be the last time that you’ll talk to me. I have been a risk taker all my life but this is the one risk that I am not willing to take. I can risk losing everything that there is in my life right now, but I cannot afford to risk losing you.
In the second place, this is a useless effort. Useless in the sense that whatever it is that I will say here would remain here. And this computer would be the sole witness and repository of my emotions. Some might find the fact of my confiding my emotions to a computer amusing, if not stupid. But this is the only sure way that my secret would remain as such. I think that it would be safe for me to assume that computers do not gossip with one another. And that the only reader of this blog is the one who writes it.
Finally, I am not that good with words. I always find it difficult to express myself in a manner that others would understand. And for something as important as this, I am afraid that words would tend to limit, if not totally obfuscate, what is inside my heart. But still, here I am, pouring out my emotions in front of a borrowed laptop, and trying to convince myself that I should continue writing (or typing for that matter).
There is an unwritten rule that governs the conduct of friends. This rule has been in existence for as long as I can remember. Although I once thought that it was a sound and practical rule, I am now violating it and at the same time questioning its reasonableness. The rule goes like this – “You should not fall in love with your friend!” The wordings used imply that it is mandatory. That it should never be violated. If a violation of this rule were criminal in nature, I would be in death row. Because the fact is…I have fallen for you.
I have fallen for you my friend. I have tried so hard to make this feeling go away but all my efforts proved to be futile. Because the more I tried to convince myself why I should not fall for you, the more I saw the reasons why it is impossible not to. Of all the tricks that love has played on me, this is the one trick that I cannot possibly outsmart.
I see you. I know that everybody does but something inside this searching soul tells me that you are more than what I see. I glance at you and I could see Love as if it were something living. I wish I could explain further. But I can’t. This fallible human mind is a slave to the powerful voice of my human heart. The latter is screaming for you – if only you could hear it.
Like a dream which reveals itself temporarily during the night, leaving one guessing the next morning, you mystify me. How you have managed to dwell into my heart is one of the biggest questions that, unfortunately for me, would remain unanswered.
I wonder how you manage to float effortlessly amidst the crowd. A glimpse of you has this effect of making everybody else disappear. I can’t help but stare at you in the same manner that I stare at heavenly bodies – always in awe. I am being led to believe that God must have been in a terribly good mood while He was creating you. You are, for lack of a better term, divinely beautiful.
I think that God made your eyes for a purpose other than to provide you with sight. Something tells me that your eyes were made to shine like that because God wanted us to have a continuous glimpse of His stars; so that the day need not necessarily be starless. From the day I met you, whenever I want to be reminded of your eyes, I simply stare at the brightest star that I can see. And when I miss the sight of that star, I turn and look in your eyes.
Your smile is no less than an art. If it were as tangible as a painting, your smile would be a priceless masterpiece. You cannot imagine just how much joy it brings to me. It is something that I carry with me and is always a part of my thoughts. In that way, whenever I feel down, happiness is merely one thought away.
I have so many things to say. If only I could find the right words. I have felt loves' manifestation before but not like this. If ever human love has its peak, perhaps this is it. At least in my case, I cannot imagine anything far stronger. At times, I am even of the belief that this is a new specie of affect.
If only I could tell you….
If only I had the courage to approach you one day and tell you point blank just how much you mean to me. How your mere existence has changed how I see life and love. How the memory of your face is as inseparable to me as air is to life. How you rekindled those feelings that has hibernated inside me for so long. You made me realize that love was more than just an abstract concept invented by hopeless romantics. That it is as alive as you and me. That its existence is part and parcel of life itself. Without which the latter would fail to reach its full potentiality. You have made me realize so many things. For that, I will forever be in debt.
Despite my feelings, I know my limitations. A whale cannot swim beyond the ocean. In the same manner that a turtle can never outran a cheetah. Life was designed in such a way that certain limits have purposely been set. Not so much as to belittle our individual capacities, but to make us appreciate and realize our boundaries. By loving you, I am a whale trying to swim beyond the ocean; a turtle trying to outrun a cheetah. One cannot say that he has reached maturity unless he can intelligently differentiate the possible from the impossible.
“A man’s reach must exceed his grasp. For what’s a heaven for?” This is what Shakespeare said. But I think that this is only true in the realm of literature. Flowery words cannot be a substitute for what is true. No matter how much I try, I know that you and I will remain only as friends. To quote another friend – “Heavenly things are meant for heavenly bodies.”
I hope you find your happiness. I hope you will find the right person for you. I am saying this with outmost sincerity. You deserve nothing less than the best in life and the best in love. You are such a wonderful person. Perhaps God led me to you so that I may learn that love is not love if it expects something in return…and perhaps that is what love really is all about.
Cidie
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